Ponderings from the Autiverse

I have come to realise something recently, which I had not previously dwelt on for any length of time: I am allowed to ask for help and accommodations if they will be helpful to me.  Now, this sounds obvious, but having spent most of my life not realising I was autistic, I have been used to squashing down feelings of discomfort and pushing through to blend in with other people. But I need to stop doing that... Growing up undiagnosed Growing up, I think my most used word was 'sorry'. I would say it in almost every situation, and it was frequently a sentence-opener. Because my unidentified autism made me see myself as inherently stupid or useless at social situations, I automatically deferred to other people's opinions or ways of doing things as being better than my own. I rarely spoke up for myself, and my main mission in life was to fade into the background. My happiest place was my own bedroom, alone, doing the things that interested me - reading, listening to my enormous ...

  When I think about my journey of faith, I would definitely say that I have taken the scenic route to get to where I am now. Although I would say that I have always known God, and cannot pinpoint a time when I wasn't a Christian, the form this has taken has definitely had some twists and turns. This is definitely going to be a long one, so hold on tight as we take the scenic route! My childhood and teen years I was brought up in a Christian home, and for reasons that I won't go into here, my parents, younger sister and I started attending the Catholic church in town when I was eight. I took my First Holy Communion at 10, and was confirmed at 15. My Dad and I (and eventually my Mum) were members of the church music group which played every week in the services. The week before I started sixth form college, I went on a pilgrimage to Taizé with a group from my local diocese. It was a really profound experience for me. Although I didn't know anyone in the group (most of them ...

This morning, I woke with a song in my head, an irritating one from my childhood, that I think has been used in recent years for adverts. If you were around during the eighties, you'll probably remember 'It ain't what you do, it's the way that you do it' by Bananarama - it's one of those songs that I have always strongly disliked but not been able to articulate why. Amazing how songs can have such an impact, really. ...and that's what gets results.... Needing to unpick the reasons behind a strong reaction is something that I frequently face. In looking at that song as an example, I can see that the lyrics annoy me because it somehow implies that there is an easy way to do things in life if you choose the right time and place, and you won't need to try. But I feel as if I have spent my entire life missing those times and places, and I have had to try very hard, and I still miss what other people seem to pick up easily. On the other hand, there are things ...

  If you've ever read any Terry Pratchett, you will know that he was an amazing wordsmith, who came up with the most fantastic similes and metaphors. One of my favourites is from The Fifth Elephant, in which he talks about the intricacies of diplomacy as being like tap-dancing on quicksand. In my life, having to deal with change feels very much like tap-dancing on quicksand. It's fast, it's hard to get my footing, and I don't always know the steps. Lately, my life has been full of change, and I am still adjusting. Autism and change are not always a very happy combination - I thrive on routine and knowing what to expect. I actually wrote a little about it when I was blogging for  NeonDaisy CIC  - just so you get the idea. In looking to new projects, I am trying to regain a semblance of control over my life to counteract the uncertainty caused by the change around me. It's not totally getting rid of the anxiety it causes, but it helps me to focus on something else. Cu...

Welcome to my new blog! Here I hope to share with you some of my ramblings about being late-identified autistic, about being a Christian, and about other things that are important to me. One thing to note: I cannot easily separate myself from my neurodivergence - I have never been neurotypical, so it's hard for me to explain what it's like to be autistic. But maybe you'll get a bit of an idea from reading what I write... Here's some more information about me  - in case you want to know more!