Finding my voice

I have come to realise something recently, which I had not previously dwelt on for any length of time:

I am allowed to ask for help and accommodations if they will be helpful to me. 

Now, this sounds obvious, but having spent most of my life not realising I was autistic, I have been used to squashing down feelings of discomfort and pushing through to blend in with other people. But I need to stop doing that...

Growing up undiagnosed

Growing up, I think my most used word was 'sorry'. I would say it in almost every situation, and it was frequently a sentence-opener. Because my unidentified autism made me see myself as inherently stupid or useless at social situations, I automatically deferred to other people's opinions or ways of doing things as being better than my own. I rarely spoke up for myself, and my main mission in life was to fade into the background. My happiest place was my own bedroom, alone, doing the things that interested me - reading, listening to my enormous music collection, reading about space or drawing. Although I wanted friends, I was not able to find any, so I enjoyed these things on my own. I thought I was just shy, but looking back, it's obvious that I struggled to connect with other people my age until I went to sixth form college and met a wider range of people.

It also helps to explain why I found adjusting to university so difficult, especially the first year, when it seemed like everyone around me just wanted to go out drinking and clubbing (I was not really interested in either and was scared of going out at night). I didn't realise it then, but looking back, I was extremely vulnerable as I was trusting and not very good at spotting ulterior motives in anyone (I'm still not that great, but I'm much better than I was). I didn't understand why anyone wouldn't just be honest and straightforward - it made no sense to me.

Later in adulthood I ended up in a very controlling and abusive relationship - I won't go into details here, but I wrote a blog about it a long time ago which you can read here. I am sure that my tendency to trust and to put other people first had a lot to do with how I didn't realise how bad it was until I left and had a lot of PTSD to work through.

How I have found my voice

Having a loving husband and a beautiful daughter has given me a different perspective on everything. I am determined that her experience will be better than mine, and I want to equip her with the certainty that she is allowed to take up space, especially if she needs to ask for accommodations in any way which will help her live her life more fully. I need to be her loudest and most persistent advocate - and in doing that for her, I realised that I need to do that for myself as well. Not only because it helps me, but because I need to model to her what to do.

I think that it also helps that I have reached an age where I am more happy with who I am. The intersection of my autism diagnosis and reaching my mid-forties has simply enabled me to mentally opt out of a lot of the social pressures put on women, such as conforming to being thin, constantly chasing youthful looks or using ever more expensive skincare products, wearing certain clothing, etc. In the last few years I have discovered Popsy Clothing, which do amazingly quirky prints on dresses and dungarees, and have also got myself various Rocket Dog shoes, which I love. I have never been one for make-up anyway (sensory hell for me), but I have now decided that I am not going to wear it again. I had previously got down to a very small number of occasions when I would be willing to force myself to wear it (weddings, job interviews, that kind of thing), but now I just don't want to do it at all. Far from wearing apologetic clothes and trying to fade into the background, I now wear bright and colourful dresses and other clothes that make me happy. I have occasionally had the odd comment here and there - but this is where I can just opt out of social norms due to my autism - I'm not made the same as everyone else, so I don't need to be the same.... Being the same as everyone else is very boring and not being truly me.

Asking for accommodations

My thinking about this blog post all started just under two weeks ago, when I ended up asking my bank for help in filling out a form they needed me to do. I told them I was autistic (which I wouldn't normally have bothered doing, but forms are something I find incredibly difficult), and as well as helping me, they asked if I would like them to make a note on their systems about my autism. It turns out that this will help me in the future, should I need to speak to anyone. They have also noted that I find written communication much easier to process than phone calls, and they will ensure that they speak slowly and check I understand what they have been talking about rather than trying to rush me.

The other thing I have done is to register for Special Assistance when we fly off to our summer holiday. I was only going to put our daughter down as needing support, and then I realised that I will struggle as well, so I decided to put myself down as well. I am hoping that this will enable us to have a good start to our holiday, as going by plane as a family is a new experience for us, and one which I am apprehensive about.

It sounds like small things, but I am hoping that as I identify my needs more, I can be brave enough to ask for more things that will help me. It is / I am a work in progress...