Invisible hurdles and boosters
Amazing how songs can have such an impact, really.
...and that's what gets results....
Needing to unpick the reasons behind a strong reaction is something that I frequently face. In looking at that song as an example, I can see that the lyrics annoy me because it somehow implies that there is an easy way to do things in life if you choose the right time and place, and you won't need to try. But I feel as if I have spent my entire life missing those times and places, and I have had to try very hard, and I still miss what other people seem to pick up easily. On the other hand, there are things I do differently that definitely get results, which others may not expect.
I did it my way...
As a creative person who simply hates being told what to do, I am not someone who looks for the easy way to do things. I simply look for my way. (Did I mention that I don't like being told what to do?!) Let me give you an example or three:
Crochet
A number of years ago, when my daughter was a toddler, I decided to teach myself to crochet. But unlike a lot of people, who have used videos on YouTube, or found someone to show them what to do, I decided to get a book and figure it out myself. Once I had got my head around the basics, I decided to make something more interesting that some squares, and started making other things like toys, and even a cardigan for my daughter, and an entire dress for myself, as well as two large blankets which we still use. Nobody showed me how, nobody gave me a pattern. I can use a pattern, and have occasionally, but on the whole, I prefer to figure it out myself as a puzzle or a challenge.
Music
Since childhood I have basically taught myself to play the piano. I had a few lessons, first from my mum, and later from a friend of hers who was a piano teacher. I did actually take Grade 2, a very long time ago. But I always felt happiest playing by ear, looking down at the keyboard and finding chords that go together in a sequence. This has been more useful to me over the years than any other form of playing the piano. I can play from written charts of guitar chords, and have a good sense of how the chords and harmony fit together with the melody. I can pick out an accompaniment to a tune, and can also find it in another key if necessary. I can play and sing at the same time, if it's a simple enough chord progression. But I find it harder to play from music and play what's on the page - it's a different kind of playing, and not one that I enjoy so much. This ability to play and to simplify music has been extremely useful over the years, and has led to me leading the music at our church once a month, which means that I have been able to introduce the church to music from the Catholic church I grew up in, as well as a lot of Taizé chants, which I love.
Sewing
I bought myself a sewing machine several years ago, and have made a number of different things with it. But I haven't used a pattern much at all. I have used my love of jigsaw puzzles to help me to put together patchwork bags and dresses, duvet covers and quilted table mats. If I had a pattern, I probably wouldn't know where to start.
Tell me why this is a land of confusion....
Having said all that, I am a walking contradiction because I hate to disobey rules. I like to know that I am doing the right thing, and I really don't do well with confrontation. But as I said in my diagnostic assessment, I feel sometimes as if other people have been given a manual of how to do life, especially as an adult, and I somehow missed out on getting mine. I am not good at reading subtext, and have been unfortunately caught out in the past. Not recognising when someone is not telling me the entire truth, or when I am being persuaded into something, has not been good for me at all. On the flip side, I am direct and honest, and sometimes people have assumed a meaning behind my words that simply isn't there. It's very definitely an example of the Double Empathy problem, where neurotypical and autistic people find it hard to read each other - much like cats vs dogs. More on the hurdles I face will follow in a future post.
I am who I'm meant to be. This is me...
I think that as I have got older, I am happier being me. Finding Facebook communities of autistic adults, and then being diagnosed as autistic myself made a massive difference, as it literally allowed me to opt out of trying to fit into other people's expectations of how I should look or act (which I wasn't doing very well at anyway). I wish I could go back in time and tell that very stressed teenager, or that very unconfident twenty-something year old me that it was all going to be ok in the end...
