The gradual arrival of Spring

It's been a long winter, but this year I have found that my seasonal depression has been unusually under control. I think my approach to life this winter has really helped, and I am so glad it has. Far from being a sudden new start, this first quarter of the year has been one of self-nurture and gentle encouragement, leading to beginning to feel able to take on more at my own pace. 

I bought myself a new camera about a month ago, with the idea of learning to use a camera that has manual settings as well as automatic ones. I am hoping that I can learn enough to take some really lovely pictures whilst out on local walks - some of which could then be turned into paintings later, perhaps. I also thought it would be a good way to encourage myself out of the house. I managed one very lovely walk, but also realised that I still have a fear of falling over (thanks to breaking my arm a couple of years ago) and so the mud proved more challenging than I expected. I'm still hopeful that I can do more though - the pictures I have taken so far are really lovely.

The roots of a large tree, with light shining onto it. The light looks almost pink.

But this week I was struck by how much more energy I suddenly had. Not because of anything I had done differently - I still had the same amount of sleep as usual. No, the reason was simple: The sun came out. We had a couple of bright, sunny and relatively warm days, and suddenly it was as if a switch came on in my brain and I was able to think clearly and have lots of energy for the first time in months. I was happy and felt able to take on the world. I had no anxiety or low mood, and I felt more alert and organised. I even managed to order and put together a new armchair for our lounge, get my husband to take apart the old one and take the pieces and loads of other stuff to the local tip. I also started on organising our big holiday for later in the year, and various other big things which I had been putting off starting due to executive function issues or just having no motivation whatsoever.

The fact that it is now chilly and grey again and my energy levels have dipped once more has made it clear that I am unfortunately rather connected to the weather and climate, in a way which I am not always all that pleased about! I would love to be a person who can carry on in spite of weather conditions and light levels, but that appears not to be possible for me... (I'm not great in the height of summer either, as hot weather can make me wilt somewhat...)

A close up of water droplets on tree branches


So what does that mean? Well, for one, it makes me feel that I have been right in listening to my brain more this winter / these past few months, instead of trying to 'jolly myself along' (which never works anyway - I rebel against all attempts at being 'jollied along', even from myself). The fact that I have avoided the huge annual dip in mood and rise in anxiety and stress levels this year makes me think that somehow I have hit upon what I need to keep myself mentally well.

A geranium plant viewed from underneath


Looking at life from a slightly different perspective has really helped me. Sometimes I forget that I am allowed to do things differently from other people because my brain is wired differently. One of the challenges and delights of having a child who was diagnosed young and who embraces her neurodivergence is that sometimes it shows me how I can do things differently and give myself more grace around the things I find difficult. There is no shame in needing to do life a little differently - in being more tired than others after being in a sensory-demanding environment, or enjoying my very specific hobbies in my very specific way. Being noise-sensitive and having more specific food likes and aversions than I realised is also ok - in that way, my daughter is way ahead of me in terms of self-advocacy. I'm so proud of her and also wish I had been a little more like that when I was her age. It's nice that she will go through her teenage years equipped with the knowledge that her brain is brilliant, just as it is.

Popular posts from this blog

Reading the room and social expectations

Image
or: the mammoth sewing project.... It's been a very busy month, with loads going on, which is why I haven't had time to write a blog post in some time. What with trying to manage my daughter's social life, my music commitments at church, and the new toddler group I set up in April, not to mention the end of year events happening at my daughter's school. Life has been really rather a fast-paced marathon lately. But there have been several things lately that have made me realise that my (autistic) perspective may well be different from other people's. Time for the elephants in the room Just before the end of term, I offered to make some toy elephants for my daughter and her friends to mark the end of Year 6. They were to be made from old summer dresses with a little contrasting fabric I had in my stash. I was keen to do something to mark the transition from Junior school and it was met with great enthusiasm from my daughter. So far, so good. But then I made what prove...
Read more

Just keep putting one foot in front of the other...

Image
It's been a very long summer. A lovely summer, but one which has brought the usual push and pull of different needs in our neurodivergent household. Some of us need alone time. Some of us need to have things to do outside the house. Some of us just want to stay at home and engage in hobbies which are not shared by others in the family. It has been at times a rather exhausting combination. The marathon of the summer holidays We had our usual wall planner out this summer - showing the whole summer at once, it meant that we could keep track of what we were doing when, and even plan some rest days as well. It did help, but I still found myself getting impatient by the end to get my head space and alone time back, which would only happen when I was on my own at home again. It's funny how I am often not aware of my need for a particular thing until it is not possible. In the middle of the holidays I held a one-off event for my church toddler group. Having only had a handful of people...
Read more

Galaxolotl and the brand new comic

Image
It never ceases to amaze me just how many wide ranging interests my daughter has and how much she loves taking a deep dive into the things she loves. Since the summer she has developed an intense and encyclopaedic interest in axolotls. This has resulted in some fascinating conversations, and some very entertaining artwork. My daughter, who wants to be known on here as Galaxolotl, has started drawing some beautiful comics, which she has asked me to share with you. She likes to explain about different types of neurodivergence using her artwork. Introducing Auti Lotl and friends! Auti Lotl and Halloween Hopefully I will be able to share more of these with you as and when she has drawn more!
Read more